End of Undergrad.

Yesterday, was the last official day of my four years of my undergrad. The friends that I have had since the first year got together for one last small party and I helped clean up move out my friends who all lived in the same house. I kinda moved out too, the house was practically my second home in Ottawa, I had kept toiletries there and had found random things that were mine throughout the process. It felt weird because I am staying in Ottawa and some of these friends are never coming back, or will only ever visit. The conclusion was also strange because it made me reflect on how important these four years have been to my development, particularly with two of my close friendships and my relationship with The Dude.

I could write more about how the night went etc but In the end what’s important is that these past four years have built me into who I am now. and now that there is a significant change in my life; no focus on school, friends leaving (no dude to pine after every few weekends), and soon moving houses myself, has all made me realize that now I am able to work on myself and do things I love. in a mire present way too, I mean having changed so much within the past four years but still being under this umbrella of “undergrad life” has made some mindsets and habits stick around and now that it’s over and can fully let those go and welcome in new mindsets and patterns that I have been trying to implement for so long.

I am so excited for this next era of my life and am so grateful for everything I have learned and experience through the people I have met, and the classes I have taken. I am ultimately left with a great sense of direction in where I want to go and who I want to be in life. and am very optimistic bout my future

all the love to my undergrad selves and friends ❤ ❤   -t

Winter to Spring Transit.

The period from February to  April was one of the first times I was truly aware of a period of transition and transformation. Or Aware of the effects of winter on my mental state. I felt tension and tribulation as my expectations and thoughts were piling up. It seemed like I was living a life that wasn’t quite mine, I was stuck in a period of waiting, anxiety and doing things un-organically, things that I was supposed to do but not quite doing them with any passion or desire.

I was finishing up several assignments and presentations, trying to go above and beyond and frustrated when I didn’t have the motivation (or time) do extra work. I found it difficult to get out of bed, even when I planned to wake up early I just went back to sleep knowing I wouldn’t get up till 3 hours later.

I was also trying to make sure I stayed fit. I started doing a 30-day yoga challenge (which I repeated half way through) Which made me extremely aware of my body, in good ways and bad. In a way I think working out ever day made me more self-conscious, knowing I had to workout that day to stick with the challenge changed my mentality a bit to more critical of myself.  I also was stressed about getting my finances in check and having to ask my parents for money. All the while anticipating the first-weekend visit from the guy I’m seeing (who I have narrowed down his blog name to Harry Styles or Mr. Manifest).  I basically had seven things on my mind at any given time, and Harry Style’s visit was always underlying everything.

I also was stressed about getting my finances in check and having to ask my parents for money.  Once I finally asked for financial help from my mom I felt so relieved, things still aren’t perfect but at least she knows now.

All the while anticipating the first-weekend visit from the guy I’m seeing (who I have narrowed down his blog name to Harry Styles or Mr. Manifest).  I basically had seven things on my mind at any given time, and Harry Style’s visit was always underlying everything.

There was also a lot of “Big Picture” changes during these months. I mean, I lost my virginity the end of January, that didn’t change too too much in the way I thought and I just went about life. But the end of undergrad began to approach and I realized how much little time I have in this house, with certain friends, living this certain way. My mom also sold our house back home and is moving to Nova Scotia, so I’m officially untethered and on my own in Ottawa. Which kinda stuck with me more than I thought but after some reflection, I realized how those massive changes coming along the same 2 months have ultimately changed my perception of the future and maybe made my mind a little sad and bogged down the past two months.

When I began this post I thought I was going to talk about how this period of sadness and overloading of responsibilities and thoughts had come to an end but the more I write the more I realize it hasnt, I am just more prepared and mindful of what is actually going on.
I was going to say that the culmination of this period of stress sadness and thought-overload finally came to an end last week with the finalization of all my assignments, and the visit of Mr. Manifest. And this is true – I felt a lot less stressed but I still had a lot of responsibilities to face and the reality of attempting a relationship that isn’t totally confirmed yet. Now that I’m aware of all the anxiety I had about Mr manifest before he came Now, I make sure not to over think, and I make sure to remind myself of the trueness of the situation.

As for other responsibilities, I still have exams to finish, people to please ( having family members visiting me on three sperate occasions in the next month), jobs to apply for and personal goals to maintain (blogging, writing, reading etc). But this new energy april/spring has brought me is a playfulness with all my responsibilities. I look forward to conquering multiple tasks a day, I feel like I have more time, it’s easier to get out of bed right away.

 

Sometimes I literally can’t believe that I have been talking to this dude for two months and that he is my best friend on snap chat and that he probably thinks about me often.

This is so surprising because I’m so used to just pining after boys who I think are cute but don’t actually talk to. it is also amazing because this is exactly what I wanted from the day I met him 2 years ago so its great that this is actually happing, 19 year old me is so proud.

Astrological New Year

equinox-josephine_wallbreath_of_gaia

March 20th marked the official start of spring and the beinging of the astrological new year. I think its safe to say that this marks a completely eyar where i was attentive to how the positioning of the planets have been affecting my life and every month I find my self mroe and mroe aware of the moon and its effect on me.  I found the need to celebrate this anniversary of my connection with the universe as well as to appreciate Gaia and all that this planet offers me.

This Year. . .

before the 20th I was feeling mad stress, I had two presentations due monday and had to visit freinds for the weekend, keep up with a boy, and prepare for the heavy workload in the weeks to come. my negativity was bringing me down. Just when i htought things weer looking up when i carved time out of my day to get work done atthe library while I was out of town, my laptop crashed. Taking all my research ntoes and presentation prep with it, I was ledt to complete two presentations from memory and lost all my research ntoes for 3 up coming asignments. After I arrived back home and got settled after this ‘disaster’ I realized that this was actually one of the best things that could happen.

I had spent so much time beign nervouse about presentign well and having enought information prepared, now I was in a situation where I could only do my best with what i had.  In a way my computer crashing had been a perfect way to hit the restart button for this astrological new year.

Additional to the clean sweep of my school work clutter, i tidied up my room and rearranged a few things, unconsciously doing things that fit with the new energy and fresh start being welcomed in by the planets.

After my presentations were complete ( received well by my professors) my other stresses seem much mroe managable, and this spring itme energy is making me feel capable and focused while also making me feel more playful about the way I look at the next threee weeks of my undergrad.

 

Flash Back…

I specifically remeber last year around this time because i instagramed a picture of my self when the moon was in pisces, sayign it made me feel focused ( looking back now i was rather depressed but i think i wrote about that in another post). I had also just accepted the fact that i was going to be in Europe for the majority of the summer and was anxious to get things going, i had to pack and finsih up my courses assignments and exams. This was a beignign of a period that has bascially lasted until now or at least 2017, where i rushed through everything. like i hit a fstforward button becasue i wanted to get to the good part (which i thought was europe but looking back i see how i was in fast forward then too). My goal for this year is to definetly slow things down. Appreciate simple things, live in the moment, breathe, be playful with my time and how I spend it and approach things.

 

Part of this also is to constantly write my thoughts. Of course for school i write weekely responses and that helps me practice but blogging and writign my thoughts about this kind of stuff down helps this “astrolgoical, introspective, intune” part of me become more part of my outer world. not just the world inside my head.

 

 

Venus Retrograde

So this past Saturday venus went in retrograde, I felt the shift in energy in my romantic situation before I knew it was because of venus. Saturday My month and a half old snap chatting flirtation didn’t snap me back and I didn’t hear from him until Sunday night. This caused more doubt than usual; doubt in myself that what he might think of me and if what i said came off too cocky. – I usually let texting things just fizzle or i stop texting them or i make myself sound uninteresting. so the fact that we had a good thing going for so long scared me.

This doubt came from more of – is this really what I want and if I was letting it affect me too much.

This dude im talking to .. shit i should come up with a nick name .. “the Dude” is already taken “mr Big” is already taken. gotta spens some time on his nick name. ..

anyways this guy means alot to me. I kissed him 2 summers ago when he came down with my freindand all her friends. we slept i nthe same bed his last ngiht here, and thorughout the weekend i jsut felt attacted to him, but also some sense of common understanding and sense that we liekd eachother.

two smmers ago also happens to be the beignign of my spirtual development. I remeber wrappign his arms around his neck and seeing my mala bead bracletes wondering if he might think my buddign spirtualism was weird. I was so proud of my self for having kissed him – because i never kiss boys i actually want. I remember wanting hi mso bad, jsut liek somethign crazy came over me where i knew i wanted to see him again. 19 year old me started manifesting.  The summerwent on and i went to a spritualcommunity for the day with my mom where i was healed by an energy healer and that is when i knew nd felt the transformation of my mind and movement of my soul to the forefront of my being. and the eyar continued. I was at the poitn in my manifestation process wehere he was jsut a constant after thoguth or fantasy in my daydreams abotu who i would end up with. (there was am ometn wheer i thoguth i could feel him and several others where i was happy that out mutual friend mentioned me to him etc.) The fact that both of us had similar feeligns of keeping one in the back of our minds made me feel that this was dthe real deal.

 

that being said im scared about this retrograde, turning my love situation around. thinking about it maybe means less so nervousness and developing a routine and more constant easy going communication. or it could mean less feeling like its meant to be and more questioning how I feel.

 

jeeze, i dont have time to elaborate or make sense of posts these days (or edit) so im posting this just for myself.

  • T

Palm Reading

because of the sun in Pisces nd the moon in Aquarius on Friday I was feeling very unfocused and got quite sad so I knew it was important to get out of the house today. I went downtown and worked in a coffee shop on my readings, and i had the urge to go to my favorite crystal shop, it was raining so at frist I decided not to go, but something was telling me I had to.

Immediately I was attracted to these rings I saw, the crystals set in them were a pleasant shade of pink. When I asked the girl at the counter what they were for she said that of the top of her head it was for selling houses – which is funny because I had just written up an add looking for new tenants for my current rental. That’s how I knew this stone just actually be calling to me.

A further look at the description of the stone was wild because it is all the things I’m looking for right now.

Purpurite

  •  effective stone for psychic protection: lately I’ve been feeling very sensitive in crowds, collecting negative energies that aren’t mine.
  • Stimulates enlightenment, opening the crown chakras and linking them to the base, it stimulates change and helps put it into reality: Lately I’ve been very in tune to the changes mentally and spiritually, and am in need of a little bit more assistance to help maintain these changes and good habits and make my future a reality.
  • excellent for public speaking, it imparts clarity and focus and confidence to your thoughts and communication, prevents interference with the transmission of your views: I’m currently preparing a few papers and one big presentation which I am nervous about.  And in general, I find myself not explaining myself clearly enough sometimes.
  • helps break old habits and attitude that keep you in the past, facilitates forward movement: I’ve mentioned the sense of transition experiencing and am definitely in need of some help for habits to be broken – thinking about certain ppl or feelings, eating bad things, sleeping too much, smoking too much.
  • useful for overcoming exaustion, increase stamina, helps cardiothoracic system. : this is amazing, because this whole week I have noticed how tired I was, I was sleeping in too late for my normal self and my normal workouts weren’t as enjoyable or easy. The thing about my heart is interesting because I’ve been experiencing mini anxiety attacks and some stress around my heart and trouble breathing – none since I put on the ring though.

I also got a Palm reading done which ultimately affirmed some things I have been thinking and brought up some things I have never even talked about.

She said my current life is being protected from my past life influences by my guardian angel and she mentioned possibly this would be a grandparent – which is something I’ve heard before so that’s super cool. Thanks Grandma for hooking me up and keeping me on such a good track I love where I am at and am grateful for all the opportunities and lessons learned from opportunities not taken or missed.

She said I will have a career that’s more for money not so much what I love and around 45 years old I’ll break away from that career and do what I really want to.

She said I’ll have two love stories / marriage like situations. Here she had a hard time distinguishing because the first dude might not show up until I’m 25 – this I think could possibly mean when we are actually together or in a ‘marriage-like’ situation. she also wasn’t sure if it was a boy in my life currently. When she referred to her cards she said the boy in my life is my first love story and that he likes me more than I like him. I can’t remember 100% but I feel like we discussed that it will take some time either for love to fully bloom or something like that. I’ve also heard that I would have two marriages before so, interesting.

She said I would have 4 pregnancies and one possibly terminated or I just don’t want to get pregnant so it won’t happen but if I wanted to it would which is very interesting bc I don’t want kids. But today at the coffee shop I saw a mother and daughter and I thought about approaching the mother and saying that seeing them together made me want to have kids – her daughter couldn’t have been more than 8 and they each had a pastry and coffee. the mom was acting like she was having coffee with a friend, a buddy, and teaching her good manners and lessons, and their convos were cute too.

She said I’d be good at working with psychology/ ppl in crowds which is actually anthropology which I’ve been interested in from a historical perspective. She discussed later in life I will want to use my abilities to help ppl, particularly abused women. This amazed me because this was something I’ve only ever thought to myself. I’ve thought about having an organization or group home or something where I can help people work through their traumas through spiritual enlightenment and practices. She also suggested I would be a good life coach(something I have also thought about).  ]

. She said to start saving money bc one day I will have it but along the road to that point I’ll need it. I think that’s it that’s all I can remember rn but she said if I do readings for my friends never do it for free or with food on the table

Ultimately this day helped me reaffirm basically all of the spiritual goings on I have thought about recently and makes me very excite for my future.

-t

Pisces New Moon

The Pisces new moon is said to mark a transitional period in our year. Is it the beginning of a new astrological year?  ( I checked it’s the last new moon till the spring equinox which is the beginning of the astrological year – march 20th. – this is also proof that I’m still learning woo.) which means time to clear out and restore mentally and spiritually. I have taken notice of the new phases in my life but have to let go of the past and accept the present as it is. Really be present in the present.

Last year during this new moon I remember how I was feeling specifically. It was definitely a new phase in my spirituality, I subscribed to certain astrological websites, received really in-depth monthly forecasts (which I only kept up with for a  few months). I spent the beginning of that astrological year thinking I needed assistance in growing m spirituality, which I guess I did a little but this year I have a good hold on it myself and I think it my turn to help others get more in tune with their intuition and how the universe is helping them.

There is this picture on my Instagram that took on the march 2016 full moon, I posted it because I thought I was finally at peace with my temporal life and ready to take on a new spiritual journey. Looking at this picture now I recognize how unhappy my thoughts were and how the act of posting that picture was a way of me seeking attention I felt I needed because I didn’t fully let go of my past feelings and thoughts.

This New moon I hope to prepare myself for a true purification of feelings and thoughts that no longer serve me. Even dwelling on things that have made me progress, slow me down in the present because I am still thinking about the past. It’s time to truly ground myself – if anyone has any tips or meditations let me know.

 

 

meditation transformation

today while I was meditating after a quick yoga practice – it wasn’t a deep meditation or anything- something interesting happened.
A few times when I can’t really get my mind to stop exactly I go to my visualized place of Zen. It’s basically a lush forest with a lake in a clearing.
The majority of times I go there, it was always overcast, but that’s why I liked it so much. And I control how it looks and what I do, but today I didn’t have that much control over it.

When I went there today, it started to downpour immediately. I was getting soaked. This torrential rain in any other imaginary landscape would have induced fear or suspicion if I was dreaming,  I probably would have run for cover. But in my Zen I knew I was safe, I wondered if the rain was meant to wash me clean of anything. I climbed up in a tree while it was raining and sat there.

When the sun came out I laid in the clearing of grass by the lake on top of my clothes and let the sun dry up all the water on me as it got brighter.

The sun got the brightest I have ever seen it in my Zen. I felt warm and refreshed.

It was very interesting, I didn’t know if this was just a nice meditation to get me refreshed for the day or if the images coming to my head were symbolic of the transformation I’ve been feeling lately.

Making conscious decisions for wellness and change and being mindful is very magical.

-T

snapshot of my 21 yr old life

Currently using the dark floral designed ottoman that has been in my family since I was born as a bedside table. On top of it right now lies a stack of books to have a stable placement for my mason jar of water and my baby bong. A bottle of kombucha is hanging out there as well, my vibrator and Kate Turabian’s A Manual for Writers of Research Papers.

I had to document this because this mental snapshot I’m taking kinda sums up my growth into a young adult. The unabashed acknowledgement of my sexuality and recreational drug use makes me so content. I’m not hiding anything here. The stack of books and writing manual show how I’m still hard working and trying to get better academically.

Six months ago, this wouldn’t have existed.
Life is good in this moment.  -T

Irritation

sometimes I feel myself get irritated and i don’t know why,
today it occurred to me that one source of my irritation may be coming from when people discuss me or my life.

Like today my sister texted me something that made me aware that she was probably discussing my situation with a parent. She also made me kick my kinda friend off of our Netflix account which put me in an awkward situation.

that’s why i do not like dealing with my family to often, they always try to make me do certain things or feel certain ways that actually kind fuck up the groove and energy i may actually be in. Sometimes i have great experiences and conversations with my family but ultimately i cant spend a few days with them without not feeling completely myself so scared about the future. Most of my family, my mom and my sister think very realistically, money oriented and practical when i feel it out assume things will happen regardless of if i have the money because i believe the universe gives me what ever i need. I don’t stress. But they think i do, or think i should.. they put their preconceived notions of how the world should work on me when in my world there arent solid rules to how the world works. the world just moves.