Venus Retrograde

So this past Saturday venus went in retrograde, I felt the shift in energy in my romantic situation before I knew it was because of venus. Saturday My month and a half old snap chatting flirtation didn’t snap me back and I didn’t hear from him until Sunday night. This caused more doubt than usual; doubt in myself that what he might think of me and if what i said came off too cocky. – I usually let texting things just fizzle or i stop texting them or i make myself sound uninteresting. so the fact that we had a good thing going for so long scared me.

This doubt came from more of – is this really what I want and if I was letting it affect me too much.

This dude im talking to .. shit i should come up with a nick name .. “the Dude” is already taken “mr Big” is already taken. gotta spens some time on his nick name. ..

anyways this guy means alot to me. I kissed him 2 summers ago when he came down with my freindand all her friends. we slept i nthe same bed his last ngiht here, and thorughout the weekend i jsut felt attacted to him, but also some sense of common understanding and sense that we liekd eachother.

two smmers ago also happens to be the beignign of my spirtual development. I remeber wrappign his arms around his neck and seeing my mala bead bracletes wondering if he might think my buddign spirtualism was weird. I was so proud of my self for having kissed him – because i never kiss boys i actually want. I remember wanting hi mso bad, jsut liek somethign crazy came over me where i knew i wanted to see him again. 19 year old me started manifesting.  The summerwent on and i went to a spritualcommunity for the day with my mom where i was healed by an energy healer and that is when i knew nd felt the transformation of my mind and movement of my soul to the forefront of my being. and the eyar continued. I was at the poitn in my manifestation process wehere he was jsut a constant after thoguth or fantasy in my daydreams abotu who i would end up with. (there was am ometn wheer i thoguth i could feel him and several others where i was happy that out mutual friend mentioned me to him etc.) The fact that both of us had similar feeligns of keeping one in the back of our minds made me feel that this was dthe real deal.

 

that being said im scared about this retrograde, turning my love situation around. thinking about it maybe means less so nervousness and developing a routine and more constant easy going communication. or it could mean less feeling like its meant to be and more questioning how I feel.

 

jeeze, i dont have time to elaborate or make sense of posts these days (or edit) so im posting this just for myself.

  • T

Palm Reading

because of the sun in Pisces nd the moon in Aquarius on Friday I was feeling very unfocused and got quite sad so I knew it was important to get out of the house today. I went downtown and worked in a coffee shop on my readings, and i had the urge to go to my favorite crystal shop, it was raining so at frist I decided not to go, but something was telling me I had to.

Immediately I was attracted to these rings I saw, the crystals set in them were a pleasant shade of pink. When I asked the girl at the counter what they were for she said that of the top of her head it was for selling houses – which is funny because I had just written up an add looking for new tenants for my current rental. That’s how I knew this stone just actually be calling to me.

A further look at the description of the stone was wild because it is all the things I’m looking for right now.

Purpurite

  •  effective stone for psychic protection: lately I’ve been feeling very sensitive in crowds, collecting negative energies that aren’t mine.
  • Stimulates enlightenment, opening the crown chakras and linking them to the base, it stimulates change and helps put it into reality: Lately I’ve been very in tune to the changes mentally and spiritually, and am in need of a little bit more assistance to help maintain these changes and good habits and make my future a reality.
  • excellent for public speaking, it imparts clarity and focus and confidence to your thoughts and communication, prevents interference with the transmission of your views: I’m currently preparing a few papers and one big presentation which I am nervous about.  And in general, I find myself not explaining myself clearly enough sometimes.
  • helps break old habits and attitude that keep you in the past, facilitates forward movement: I’ve mentioned the sense of transition experiencing and am definitely in need of some help for habits to be broken – thinking about certain ppl or feelings, eating bad things, sleeping too much, smoking too much.
  • useful for overcoming exaustion, increase stamina, helps cardiothoracic system. : this is amazing, because this whole week I have noticed how tired I was, I was sleeping in too late for my normal self and my normal workouts weren’t as enjoyable or easy. The thing about my heart is interesting because I’ve been experiencing mini anxiety attacks and some stress around my heart and trouble breathing – none since I put on the ring though.

I also got a Palm reading done which ultimately affirmed some things I have been thinking and brought up some things I have never even talked about.

She said my current life is being protected from my past life influences by my guardian angel and she mentioned possibly this would be a grandparent – which is something I’ve heard before so that’s super cool. Thanks Grandma for hooking me up and keeping me on such a good track I love where I am at and am grateful for all the opportunities and lessons learned from opportunities not taken or missed.

She said I will have a career that’s more for money not so much what I love and around 45 years old I’ll break away from that career and do what I really want to.

She said I’ll have two love stories / marriage like situations. Here she had a hard time distinguishing because the first dude might not show up until I’m 25 – this I think could possibly mean when we are actually together or in a ‘marriage-like’ situation. she also wasn’t sure if it was a boy in my life currently. When she referred to her cards she said the boy in my life is my first love story and that he likes me more than I like him. I can’t remember 100% but I feel like we discussed that it will take some time either for love to fully bloom or something like that. I’ve also heard that I would have two marriages before so, interesting.

She said I would have 4 pregnancies and one possibly terminated or I just don’t want to get pregnant so it won’t happen but if I wanted to it would which is very interesting bc I don’t want kids. But today at the coffee shop I saw a mother and daughter and I thought about approaching the mother and saying that seeing them together made me want to have kids – her daughter couldn’t have been more than 8 and they each had a pastry and coffee. the mom was acting like she was having coffee with a friend, a buddy, and teaching her good manners and lessons, and their convos were cute too.

She said I’d be good at working with psychology/ ppl in crowds which is actually anthropology which I’ve been interested in from a historical perspective. She discussed later in life I will want to use my abilities to help ppl, particularly abused women. This amazed me because this was something I’ve only ever thought to myself. I’ve thought about having an organization or group home or something where I can help people work through their traumas through spiritual enlightenment and practices. She also suggested I would be a good life coach(something I have also thought about).  ]

. She said to start saving money bc one day I will have it but along the road to that point I’ll need it. I think that’s it that’s all I can remember rn but she said if I do readings for my friends never do it for free or with food on the table

Ultimately this day helped me reaffirm basically all of the spiritual goings on I have thought about recently and makes me very excite for my future.

-t

Pisces New Moon

The Pisces new moon is said to mark a transitional period in our year. Is it the beginning of a new astrological year?  ( I checked it’s the last new moon till the spring equinox which is the beginning of the astrological year – march 20th. – this is also proof that I’m still learning woo.) which means time to clear out and restore mentally and spiritually. I have taken notice of the new phases in my life but have to let go of the past and accept the present as it is. Really be present in the present.

Last year during this new moon I remember how I was feeling specifically. It was definitely a new phase in my spirituality, I subscribed to certain astrological websites, received really in-depth monthly forecasts (which I only kept up with for a  few months). I spent the beginning of that astrological year thinking I needed assistance in growing m spirituality, which I guess I did a little but this year I have a good hold on it myself and I think it my turn to help others get more in tune with their intuition and how the universe is helping them.

There is this picture on my Instagram that took on the march 2016 full moon, I posted it because I thought I was finally at peace with my temporal life and ready to take on a new spiritual journey. Looking at this picture now I recognize how unhappy my thoughts were and how the act of posting that picture was a way of me seeking attention I felt I needed because I didn’t fully let go of my past feelings and thoughts.

This New moon I hope to prepare myself for a true purification of feelings and thoughts that no longer serve me. Even dwelling on things that have made me progress, slow me down in the present because I am still thinking about the past. It’s time to truly ground myself – if anyone has any tips or meditations let me know.

 

 

meditation transformation

today while I was meditating after a quick yoga practice – it wasn’t a deep meditation or anything- something interesting happened.
A few times when I can’t really get my mind to stop exactly I go to my visualized place of Zen. It’s basically a lush forest with a lake in a clearing.
The majority of times I go there, it was always overcast, but that’s why I liked it so much. And I control how it looks and what I do, but today I didn’t have that much control over it.

When I went there today, it started to downpour immediately. I was getting soaked. This torrential rain in any other imaginary landscape would have induced fear or suspicion if I was dreaming,  I probably would have run for cover. But in my Zen I knew I was safe, I wondered if the rain was meant to wash me clean of anything. I climbed up in a tree while it was raining and sat there.

When the sun came out I laid in the clearing of grass by the lake on top of my clothes and let the sun dry up all the water on me as it got brighter.

The sun got the brightest I have ever seen it in my Zen. I felt warm and refreshed.

It was very interesting, I didn’t know if this was just a nice meditation to get me refreshed for the day or if the images coming to my head were symbolic of the transformation I’ve been feeling lately.

Making conscious decisions for wellness and change and being mindful is very magical.

-T

snapshot of my 21 yr old life

Currently using the dark floral designed ottoman that has been in my family since I was born as a bedside table. On top of it right now lies a stack of books to have a stable placement for my mason jar of water and my baby bong. A bottle of kombucha is hanging out there as well, my vibrator and Kate Turabian’s A Manual for Writers of Research Papers.

I had to document this because this mental snapshot I’m taking kinda sums up my growth into a young adult. The unabashed acknowledgement of my sexuality and recreational drug use makes me so content. I’m not hiding anything here. The stack of books and writing manual show how I’m still hard working and trying to get better academically.

Six months ago, this wouldn’t have existed.
Life is good in this moment.  -T

Irritation

sometimes I feel myself get irritated and i don’t know why,
today it occurred to me that one source of my irritation may be coming from when people discuss me or my life.

Like today my sister texted me something that made me aware that she was probably discussing my situation with a parent. She also made me kick my kinda friend off of our Netflix account which put me in an awkward situation.

that’s why i do not like dealing with my family to often, they always try to make me do certain things or feel certain ways that actually kind fuck up the groove and energy i may actually be in. Sometimes i have great experiences and conversations with my family but ultimately i cant spend a few days with them without not feeling completely myself so scared about the future. Most of my family, my mom and my sister think very realistically, money oriented and practical when i feel it out assume things will happen regardless of if i have the money because i believe the universe gives me what ever i need. I don’t stress. But they think i do, or think i should.. they put their preconceived notions of how the world should work on me when in my world there arent solid rules to how the world works. the world just moves.

First year of transtion

Last February, 2016 was the beginning of a very interesting year for me. A year of transition is what I’ve been calling it, sometime in February I realized that the fantasy relationship I had with The Dude was only a fantasy. So I cut my hair, 4 inches shorter than I thought I ever would, ( a total of 9 inches at the time, though), and tried to welcome in a new period of my life, devoid of thoughts of him and focus on myself, what I wanted and working towards my future.

Its safe to say that not thinking of him didn’t work out, in fact, I eventually went back to our canoodling relationship for the fall semester.  But I did make they year very much about my self. Somehow between February and March, I was able to manifest my desire to travel and got accepted into two school programs to study abroad for the summer in between the programs I traveled for five weeks. I was hardly concerned about money, I bought things I needed and then left them when they were no longer of use (particularly a book and a jacket that I do miss). During the school programs, I had to make my own friends, I didn’t really know anyone before – the second one I had my old roommate piya, but we were not the attached at the hip type of friends. But the big things I learned from this sudden abundance of opportunity was to not be scared of it. I found my self-realizing that I was scared of making friends, or of going somewhere for no reason, there was literally nothing stopping me but myself.

“So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it. I’m saying, I’m the proof that you can ask the universe for it.” 

I like to think that this new phase of my life in 2017 is more conscious of that tendency to back away or be afraid for reasons that are totally not there or don’t matter so why not go ahead anyways.

I also became more aware of my body and mind in general, and in doing so, I believe I’ve come to a better idea of what I want to do with my life. By doing yoga semi-regularly throughout this transitional period, I feel the change in my body a the reactions have to certain habits of mine. Bottom line. Regular physical activity is a must for confidence and a clear mind. (thanks, Yoga with Adrienne).

Whats important to me – friendships and talking about the progress in each others lives, making sure they are aware of the meaning and motives behind their thoughts and feelings and understand why the do the things they do. This past year I’ve had some conversations with a few of my friends that have really enlighted them and myself to our reactions to certain things because of our own personal experiences and some of my friendships are just so strong and understanding now that I just cant wait to stay in theses peoples lives and work through their hard times with them and see their happy moments too.

My spiritual development has been insane. Hopefully, one day I can write a post on all they synchronistic events that I’ve witnessed in my life, but basically, i am just so lucky to feel the power of the universe around me. I never feel alone, I always have enough, what I need and want will come to me at the right time – and I truly believe these things.

The past few days I have found myself going back to some of my old habits, watching TV shows I watched during my transition year, reading a book that I read before last February and after. These things have given me a chance at seeing how much I have changed, not just in how much I know now but how I lived a year ago. Everything was a blur, I was rushed, pre occupied just waiting for something to happen. I thought it would end when I came back from traveling in August, but that was not the case. I was still waiting for something to happen, I still needed something to change. I had sex, and I think that’s what did it. I am not longer waiting around for the dude or an opportunity to come by.

I feel like that conflicting, busy energy from the year of transition is finally compete and all the energy and thought I put in into cultivating certain habits and ideas that would benefit my future is properly planted and can now be used, or can now grow.
I got frustrated throughout the past 12 months because I thought the room to grow would come faster, I underestimate how long it takes to create the foundation.

Long story short, I originally started this post to write about the fact that I am finally getting back to myself, My hair grew back long, I’ve rewatched some of my favorite tv shows, getting into some of my favorite books. but I am  also a stronger version of who i used to be, I re-read or re watch these tv shows from a more informed perspective, i learn lessons from them or connect certain conventions to real life I also have helthier habits and a more mindfull way of going about daily activites that makes me appreciate everythingm and truly eel grateful.  I can’t wait to see what i accomplish and what else i learn this year.

There was a moment.
Actually, it was longer than a moment I was surprised at how long it went on for.

There was a moment,
where I felt my world changing,
I felt the shift,

the movement in energy

as if all the atoms and forces around me were shifting to line up with yours.

you were so many miles away, but because the universe knew we would be together soon, it started to pull.

I had forgotten what you meant to me, the first time we met,

you were fresh air, you were new possibilities, you were a different world.

And I felt like it was a world I belonged in, a world that was meant for me because I was finally acting like who I visualize myself to be,

Now I’m thinking that I may have made these feelings up.

No, because you felt it too, you said I stuck with you, and I think no matter what we will always be in the back of each other’s minds.

I hope it works out, I hope I see you again, I hope you talk to me.

because nothing is harder than being so close to feeling like the person you are trying to be,

then have that thing that gives you that feeling make only a cameo in a scene you thought it would star in.

 

January,

January, aka the test run for #newyearnew me was pretty great. Not because I did everything perfectly or completed all of my goals (which I did not) but because of the extra stuff that happened on the way and the gratitude these little surprises gave me for the universe and the energy I’m creating around me

So to start with, I began to make small changes to my daily routine, like working out at least five times a week – short workouts sometimes just 30 minutes of yoga- as well as meditating afterward or before bed. I originally didn’t think these additions would have such an effect on my body so quickly but I have lost five pounds this month and I just feel so much more confidernt and present.

Big changes have happened in the last week of January, and these changes are kind sad and terrible but so so great at the same time because they welcome in the new phase of my life that I have been waiting for so long to happen.

The first thing that changed is that an old friend that i have had on and off since highschool has offically eneded our friendship. This was a friendship that i have struggled with since high school and by now I thought we under stood each other well enough and have foregiven eachother for our differences so many times before that we were used to it and understood that we would always be friends anyways. Turns out my friend had a change of heart and needs a different kind of friendship ( a codependent kind of affectionate happy friendship) that I am not willing to give ( bc it would radically change my life nd the way i think). My friend, K is head strong and stubborn, she tends to believe she is right in most ways of htinking and if you go agaisnt her opinions simply because you believe something different, she gets agitated, and angry at you – but it’s just your opinion- and its feels so wrong. We’ve decided to not be friends. However because of mutual friends and a current game of Dungeons and Dragons still see each other and are nice and have fun bc of no pressure from other expectations of each other.

This change in my life led me to reach out to other friends who do get me on that level that K no longer does. I have realized how many good people i have in my life and getting rid of one problematic one has opened up some space to properly care for the good ones in my life a little bit more.

The second and most important big change is that I lost my virginity. It’s kind of a big deal because ever since I was like 13 I  was that typical girl who loved boys and wanted attention from them but was shy so would only obsess over celebrity boys my age. This topic deserves its own blog post but in terms of it bring in on change…
Finally having sex allows me to not focus on the fact that i haven’t had sex yet. Which in the past 3 years has been a pretty big distraction because i was constantly concerned with when i would loose it or if certain boys liked me. Now that it is not as much of an issues and i can focus mroe on myself and the work i need to do rather that if The Dude will have sex with me this comming weekend.

I feel like i wanna say more but no one reads this but me anyways so
JANUARY WAS THE BESTTTT

2016, My Year of Growth

2016 was one of the best years of my life. It is a year which I will be able to look back on and pinpoint several moments that helped shape the person I will become.
There are a few key aspects I feel the need to write about in order to start 2017 the right way, acknowledging lessons and experiences I’ve had to keep in mind for the changes I would like to produce this year.

#1. My summer semester in Europe. I am sure that my summer will be referenced to in many future blog posts so I don’t want to get carried away with too much detail here but there are a few things my trip to Europe taught me. First of all, I mainly went to Europe to complete two different school programs. When applying for these programs as well as participating in them I realized how little confidence I had in myself, my oppinons and my skills. This self-doubt would have gotten me nowhere. Thank God my blunt german professor let me cry in her office while she told me to never doubt myself and that my thoughts and ideas were valid and insightful. My brain is just too busy, I need to write things down. She also expressed a hope for me to get into academia because of the way I approach aspects of history, which was the push I needed to focus myself and take school and the material I engage with seriously.

#2. My time alone in Europe. I had five whole weeks inbetween programs where I traveled to 4 different countires all by myself. I didn’t think being alone would be scary at all, but there were points in my trip where I realized how hard it was. I had to eat alone in retaurants – something I was always not willing to do because I feared judgment and looks etc. I had to navigate alone, attempt communication with people who spoke other languages. But, I also set my own schedule, I had no plans, no one to impress but myself. My time alone and the situations where I had to make friends or go out and do an activity alone made me much more comfortable with who I am. I no longer needed to fulfill the expectations I assumed poeple had of me because I got so used to just doing me. This is something I lost a bit when I come back from Europe, this year I want to constantly remind myself of my trip mentality.

#3. I feel super strange writing this down but if I cant say this why do I even have a blog. Realizing the effects of love, the different kinds of love, and the effects of heartbreak. This year I understood that some of my actions, habits, and mindsets in 2016 were the effect of being in love and getting my heartbroken. It never me before that my feelings toward this Dude were actually love. It wasn’t a relationship, there was no communication, just me, then him, separate people, who occasionally kissed and slept in the same bed. no lie. thats all it is. My imagination and romantic disposition made it into something more. But, I realized that I do love him. Instead of denying this which was something I felt I had to do, I accepted it. When I realized nothing would happen I was heartbroken and looking back now I can see changes in my personality and daily life that were affected by this sadness, and I’ve accepted that too. Being aware of my feeling towards The Dude and how they impact my success? or at least distract me from focusing on things that better me instead or make me sad and bring me down, is my third lesson I need to constantly remember in order to maintain a focus, a drive, and also a respect for who myself and the amazing future I see for me.

This year has ultimately been a year of growth, giving me the tools I need to transition into a better version of myself.  Hopefully, I will continue to document the journey.
– T