The period from February to April was one of the first times I was truly aware of a period of transition and transformation. Or Aware of the effects of winter on my mental state. I felt tension and tribulation as my expectations and thoughts were piling up. It seemed like I was living a life that wasn’t quite mine, I was stuck in a period of waiting, anxiety and doing things un-organically, things that I was supposed to do but not quite doing them with any passion or desire.
I was finishing up several assignments and presentations, trying to go above and beyond and frustrated when I didn’t have the motivation (or time) do extra work. I found it difficult to get out of bed, even when I planned to wake up early I just went back to sleep knowing I wouldn’t get up till 3 hours later.
I was also trying to make sure I stayed fit. I started doing a 30-day yoga challenge (which I repeated half way through) Which made me extremely aware of my body, in good ways and bad. In a way I think working out ever day made me more self-conscious, knowing I had to workout that day to stick with the challenge changed my mentality a bit to more critical of myself. I also was stressed about getting my finances in check and having to ask my parents for money. All the while anticipating the first-weekend visit from the guy I’m seeing (who I have narrowed down his blog name to Harry Styles or Mr. Manifest). I basically had seven things on my mind at any given time, and Harry Style’s visit was always underlying everything.
I also was stressed about getting my finances in check and having to ask my parents for money. Once I finally asked for financial help from my mom I felt so relieved, things still aren’t perfect but at least she knows now.
All the while anticipating the first-weekend visit from the guy I’m seeing (who I have narrowed down his blog name to Harry Styles or Mr. Manifest). I basically had seven things on my mind at any given time, and Harry Style’s visit was always underlying everything.
There was also a lot of “Big Picture” changes during these months. I mean, I lost my virginity the end of January, that didn’t change too too much in the way I thought and I just went about life. But the end of undergrad began to approach and I realized how much little time I have in this house, with certain friends, living this certain way. My mom also sold our house back home and is moving to Nova Scotia, so I’m officially untethered and on my own in Ottawa. Which kinda stuck with me more than I thought but after some reflection, I realized how those massive changes coming along the same 2 months have ultimately changed my perception of the future and maybe made my mind a little sad and bogged down the past two months.
When I began this post I thought I was going to talk about how this period of sadness and overloading of responsibilities and thoughts had come to an end but the more I write the more I realize it hasnt, I am just more prepared and mindful of what is actually going on.
I was going to say that the culmination of this period of stress sadness and thought-overload finally came to an end last week with the finalization of all my assignments, and the visit of Mr. Manifest. And this is true – I felt a lot less stressed but I still had a lot of responsibilities to face and the reality of attempting a relationship that isn’t totally confirmed yet. Now that I’m aware of all the anxiety I had about Mr manifest before he came Now, I make sure not to over think, and I make sure to remind myself of the trueness of the situation.
As for other responsibilities, I still have exams to finish, people to please ( having family members visiting me on three sperate occasions in the next month), jobs to apply for and personal goals to maintain (blogging, writing, reading etc). But this new energy april/spring has brought me is a playfulness with all my responsibilities. I look forward to conquering multiple tasks a day, I feel like I have more time, it’s easier to get out of bed right away.