New Moon, New Me.

This new moon in Leo is pretty rad.
Having the moon in my first how allows me to recreate myself image and really build upon my dreams and fashion a new life based on the dreams and goals i have had in mind for quite some time.

This new moon through some surprise attacks at me, pushing me to want an higher position at work. This new goal is making me nervous about being too distracted to pursue my other goals which include – regular blogging, creative writing, keeping up a steady workout routine, being present in my personal and spiritual life.

I know that I can accomplish all of this and be the person i see in my head however, the idea of so much going makes me fear stepping back into my old habits of freezing up when things got too much or being lazy when overwhelmed.

but no more doubt.
This New Moon ushers me into a life where I am open about my spirituality, knowledgeable about it and constantly expanding my knowledge and experience. I am bravely stepping into a position where i am responsible for more then i have ever been, I am confident in my ability to balance my fitness, education, and social experiences. But most of all I am so excited to welcome in an era of where I am in love with my life – how I see the universe, how I see myself. Life is good, and I am so appreciative of all the opportunities in front of me and am always excited and thankful for experiences and their lessons – good or bad.

Thank you Universe.

Latley,

Lately, I have realized that I was seeing life in terms of shifts and transitions and yes, life is full of periods of change and development and shifting. However, life also consists of periods of melding, blending and the coming together of the different parts of your self. There are times in life where your “shift” is really you balancing the aspects of yourself and your life that you have been dealing with.

Lately, There have been massive shifts in my life and now I am moving on to a massive sense of balance. Now, Balancing truly is an act. Shifts kinds happen naturally like waves, or the wind, out side forces guiding you along. Balance appears to be the same way, but to enjoy periods of balance you have to work. you have to work from the core of your being to consciously make decisions that will benefit you during this time rather than going with the flow and mistakenly ending up back a few steps.

Consciousness. Balance. Harmony.

Prompt from Aquarius Nation; Affirmation of the Day

Hearts Opened = Healing.
Allow your heart to fully open and just feel this.
You don’t have to run from the feels.
You jsut need to ride tem to the end.
Where the healing takes place.  – @aquariusnation

The past few weeks have been super intense emotionally, I keep finding myself retreating into the places of my mind that I know no longer serve me. feeling emotions I know I don’t need to be. I keep on wanting to just be okay again, but that only makes it worse because I become more frustrated when I feel the feels that I don’t want to be.

This week I aim to embrace my irrational emotions. Ride the wave and know that it’s okay to feel it out just a little bit longer because soon, most likely without em even realizing it, I will be okay again. My new life will start to feel normal and routine and I will be able to focus on what serves me, makes me happy, and helps me grow.

Fuck you, Man. But also, Namaste.

This week I have had a huge wake-up call to the fact that you may grow up and mature faster than your friends or the people that surround you. I hadn’t really realized until now how I thought my growth inspired others and that having a friendship isn’t necessarily growing together (unless you’re lucky and got those close true best friends in your life).

this week I felt increasingly more like a butterfly officially stepping out of its cocoon. For a while now  – heck, maybe the whole year- I have been aware that I had under gone (although I was still undergoing) this huge growth and change of pace in my life. The past month has been full of tests that have pushed me to exit my safe place, my cocoon, and realize that those old ways (being a push over, fantasies about old flames, clinging to friendships, even Netflix binges every night) no longer serve a purpose. I am strong enough to over come them now so why not act like the goddess I have become and literally move past them as if they are nothing?

“in the cocoon” is what I call the period of struggle that has been the past year, facing old habits and adjusting my life and mind set to keep up these bad habits and continue to tirelessly try to fit them into my life knowing deep down they didn’t serve me. I did this because I was still in the cocoon, undergoing the transformation still so these bumps and obstacles continued to make me stronger and helped build my armor that I now know I have on. (all the metaphors!)

In the cocoon, I still wanted the attention of people who disregarded me,  put me down, confronted my spiritual beliefs, or continued to accept the truth of just down right closed minded people even tho they had no respect for mine.

Yesterdays scenario will give a bit more understanding.

A friend of 9 years, is very close minded about friendships and doesn’t fully realized the complexity of one’s spiritual mind (or overall being) and doesn’t accept the mental changes that affect people actions and thoughts at given times. In short, she thinks I betrayed her in a way and doesn’t consider us friends. After a rough patch, I had thought things mended themselves, we spent more time together, texted, spoke like friends, she offered advice and support and shelter like a friend, yet, in front of a couple other people last night she accuses me of not being her friend and states her opinion and refusal to believe other wise. I was shocked, it seemed very uncalled for. I am not one to state my opinions eloquently enough on the spot and she is not one to argue with (her words confuse me and I always end up feeling like I’m making no sense). Like last time, I respected that there was no way she was going to accept my point of view and chose not to argue but acknowledged out loud that we saw things different ways and I guess there’s no changing that. This was one thing that made me acknowledge my transformation – verbal communication of my beliefs, and my refusal to change my own mind. The second thing, that took it a little further was my realization that I don’t deserve to deal with her close minded thinking any longer.  My accepting of her thought the process and letting her live her truth is great but, I should not give her time and effort and my friendship anymore if she refused to open her mind and understand my thought process and give me the same respect. its time to move on, and focus on friends who treat me well and make me feel good about myself and help me grow in my next phase of transformation.

 

Belonging

 belong

                                       when something is for you
it will not run or hide or
avoid being yours.

– From Alexandra Elle’s Neon Soul

First of all, I would like to say that what this poem suggests, and statements along the lines of “what is meant for you will always find a way”, have helped me let go and accept a lot of situations in my life while adapting to adulthood. However, when I read this poem in a bookstore, on a day where I felt perfectly content with being alone I thought of three things that problematize my initial take on these kinds of statements.

The Three Things were: Belonging to Others, “The Right Time”, and How Time Changes Belonging.

 “but what if I belong to them?”

The past four years I have eased the pain of my unrequited love situations by reminding myself of the reality of the situation and what it may mean on a spiritual level. “He doesn’t belong to me” or like it is discussed in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You – “If they want to be with you, they will make it happen”. But, identifying these unrequited love situations or more generally, missed opportunities as a way of belonging to something or someone made me think – “but what if I belong to them?”.

It hurts when we miss out on an opportunity or relationship because we feel like we belong there. That that path is meant for us, in that moment we belong to them but they don’t belong to us.

My experience in this way if it wasn’t obvious already is in the form of a relationship. A dude came along that I felt connected to, I felt strangely loyal to him even though he gave me no reason to.  So I told myself, he must not belong to me, he must not be for me. But after 3 years of not shaking this feeling I began to think, But what If I’m for him? After diving deeper into my spirituality I figured that my feelings must be here for a reason, perhaps I’m here, feeling these feelings to teach him a lesson at the very least.This also branches off in what I have to say about not necessarily giving up on our dream opportunities and relationships. Maybe I belonged to him. I wasn’t hiding, I wasn’t avoiding being

This also branches off in what I have to say about not necessarily giving up on our dream opportunities and relationships. Maybe I belonged to him. I wasn’t hiding, I wasn’t avoiding being his, I believe I was there, I was “his” because there was a lesson, for me and him.

This poem got me thinking about some of the mysteries and cliches of the universe.
Within the past few years, I have come to rely on the idea that the universe provides for us and gives us all the abundance we seek. When being faced with disappointment, or our hopeful fantasies are turned sour I remind myself that “missed opportunities are things that really didn’t belong to me”,”what is meant for me will come to me”.  Yet also,

“What is meant for me will come to me in its own time

Just because an opportunity or experience passes by does not mean it will never return again. Sometimes these mantras of “What belongs to me won’t avoid being mine” makes us think negatively about that experience or person assuming the need to cut ties to that hope and never think about it again. The initial meaning is very strong and useful, we shouldn’t dwell on missed opportunities and continue on to become the best version of ourselves. Yet, we should keep in mind to welcome those old opportunities back will be and acceptance, not bitterness for their previous rejection. When an opportunity passes me by I like to think of there being a leash connecting me to that opportunity, I’m letting it wander for as long as it wants and it is always welcome back.  Thinking about lost opportunities or belongings in this way enforces a positive manifestation thought cycle that will allow it to come to you in an even better way.

However, if this idea of belonging is a love, it is important to remember that belonging may not be forever.  These things come and go to teach us lessons and help us grow. If a love runs or passes you by they may no longer belong to you but the lesson does. Embrace it, feel it and it will make you grow stronger for the next opportunity that comes to you. Belonging is not forever.

a lot of what I say is still problematic for me – do you really wanna dwell and not move on completely? and yes I see where things can be counter-intuitive. I ultimately am saying that we all need to find a balance with accepting and letting go of our opportunities. The ones that feel so right to you after time, and space – keep holding them with positive and loving thoughts in your mind eventually what is not meant for you will disappear from your mind… but what is meant to be may linger longer and it is important to not be sad about those thoughts but keep up with “one day maybe if it’s really right”.

Recognizing Evanescence

My family always had big parties.
All my family members and family friends would gather in our backyard at least once every Summer to celebrate everything all at once. Birthdays, Graduations, Trips, Retirements, New Jobs.
This summer, my family was celebrating a move.

evenacent

My Mom and Stepdad decided to make a big change and move across the country. they through a party, one of the most memorable they have had. these parties often end late and I usually end up in the front yard, saying goodbye to a guest, or good night to my mom who is fiddling around in the motor home in the driveway.

As I turned to go back inside this time, I realized it was the last time I would do this. And those memories of how many times I had walked up my driveway in the middle of the night, feeling strangely peaceful under the deep blue night sky came flooding back. I realized that this may be another moment that would fade quickly and may not even be remembered. So I snapped a pic. trying to immortalize the peace i felt and capture a good last memory of my last family home.

via Photo Challenge: Evanescent

Family matters,


This weekend I said good bye to my final childhood home as my mom made a big move across the country. To my surprise I was quite emotional or maybe just reflective I guess because so didn’t cry or anything, about saying good bye to my home town. 

This weekend included a part and family gatherings for mothers day where I realized just home much important family is or maybe I was reminded of what family was. While in my undergrad, everything was about my life in Ottawa, my college friends and my part time job. I forgot to be thankful and aware of how much support I have within my family and how many people are proud of me.  

Leaving Niagara this time I was saying good bye to the last house I lived in with my Family, where everycorner and cupord hokd memories. I said good bye to my blue wall in my room which I always thought was so cool and self defining, the window sill where i asked my joints when i smoked weed before bed in high school. Im also saying good bye to opportunities and visits i take for granted. This new chapter means visits will consitst of strictly family visits and actually connecting with family because I’ll be sleeping on their couch or insure of when I’ll see them next. I’m bad with that kind of intimacy, but this weekend made me willing.  

Bus stops 

Bus stops in Canada make me feel uneasy. 

They are filled with eager, impatient travelers trying to get where they are going faster. 

Or there are foreign travelers, with their backpacks and aura of adventure that I’m jealous of because I’m stuck here for now. 

People speak in different languages too. The old ladies speaking italian are annoying, they talk too much. It’s all too much. Hearing them speak just makes me want to be back in the terminal in Rome waiting for my bus to Paris. 

I guess I’m not truly annoyed I’m just sad. 

Because Canadian bus terminals are just like any other bus terminal in the world. I just wish I was in another one. 

Letting Go, for Now?

Accepting Loneliness and Knowing the Universe Has Got Your Back.

For a while now I have realized that I’m constantly in a rush. When I want something in my life I need it right away. Why? When did I start being like this? How is this affecting my life now?

Well long story short, the why is because being stagnant, no change or no significant other in my life makes me feel lonely. I have kind been like this forever. I remember when I was little needing every new sims expansion pack right away, which later changed to new Apple device and now, tea and makeup. What’s helped me realize my neediness, is how I felt when there was proof of declining contact with me and Mr. Manifest. the convos are short and boring and he doesn’t make an effort to contact me first or snap me when I know he’s just hanging out. And I realized that I had expected things to advance quickly I had wanted someone to love and care for and communicate with me regularly right away. Why did I expect (and want) life to move so fast?  – I have chalked this up to my fantasy life I envision for myself which would technically only be a few years away ( I have taken steps to stop dependence on this fantasy life – see my other page “Sarah’s Blog”).

So, upon this distance with Mr. Mani, a dude who I had harbored a lot of cosmic feelings for, left me quite disappointed. Technically it would shake my faith to realize that some guy I had thought I manifested is no longer meant for me. Earlier this year when I was discussing letting someone go, my psychic stopped me when I was speaking because I was describing cutting someone off, forgetting about them, severing ties. She corrected me and said that letting go shouldn’t be severing anything, but letting them fly and distance themselves away from you and accepting that. And with that, allowing them to come back. Keeping a cycle of love open.

So that’s what I intend to do with Mr. Manifest. It’s sad thinking that me letting him go might lead him to another girl or to end up completely forgetting me for a while. But also being optimistic that he could come back because everything that is yours comes to you at the right time.  And if this is the end end, I have learned so much about love and relationships and stuff ( i was a late bloomer on this one) and it’s so worth it.

– ❤ Theresa Belle

 

End of Undergrad.

Yesterday, was the last official day of my four years of my undergrad. The friends that I have had since the first year got together for one last small party and I helped clean up move out my friends who all lived in the same house. I kinda moved out too, the house was practically my second home in Ottawa, I had kept toiletries there and had found random things that were mine throughout the process. It felt weird because I am staying in Ottawa and some of these friends are never coming back, or will only ever visit. The conclusion was also strange because it made me reflect on how important these four years have been to my development, particularly with two of my close friendships and my relationship with The Dude.

I could write more about how the night went etc but In the end what’s important is that these past four years have built me into who I am now. and now that there is a significant change in my life; no focus on school, friends leaving (no dude to pine after every few weekends), and soon moving houses myself, has all made me realize that now I am able to work on myself and do things I love. in a mire present way too, I mean having changed so much within the past four years but still being under this umbrella of “undergrad life” has made some mindsets and habits stick around and now that it’s over and can fully let those go and welcome in new mindsets and patterns that I have been trying to implement for so long.

I am so excited for this next era of my life and am so grateful for everything I have learned and experience through the people I have met, and the classes I have taken. I am ultimately left with a great sense of direction in where I want to go and who I want to be in life. and am very optimistic bout my future

all the love to my undergrad selves and friends ❤ ❤   -t