Fuck you, Man. But also, Namaste.

This week I have had a huge wake-up call to the fact that you may grow up and mature faster than your friends or the people that surround you. I hadn’t really realized until now how I thought my growth inspired others and that having a friendship isn’t necessarily growing together (unless you’re lucky and got those close true bestfriends in your life).

this week I felt increasingly more like a butterfly officially stepping out of its cocoon. For a while now  – heck, maybe the whole year- I have been aware that I had under gone (although I was still undergoing) this huge growth and change of palce in my life. The past moth has been full of tests that have pushed me to exit my safe place, my cocoon, and realize that those old ways (being a push over, fantasies about old flames, clinging to friendships, even Netflix binges every night) no longer serve a purpose. I am strong enough to over come them now so why not act like the goddess I have become and literally move past them as if they are nothing?

“in the cocoon” is what I call the period of struggle that has been the past year, facing old habits and adjusting my life and mind set to keep up these bad habits and continue to tirelessly try to fit them into my life knowing deep down they didn’t serve me. I did this because I was still in the cocoon, undergoing the trasformation still so these bumps and obstacles continued to make me stronger and helped build my armor that I now know I have on. (all the metaphors!)

In the cocoon, I still wanted the attention of people who disregarded me,  put me down, confronted my spitrual beliefs, or continued to accept the truth of jsut down right closed minded people even tho they had no respect for mine.

Yesterdays scineario will give a bit more understanding.

A friend of 9 years, is very close minded about friendships and doesn’t fully realized the complexity of one’s spiritual mind (or overall being) and doesn’t accept the mental changes that affect people actions and thoughts at given times. In short, she thinks I betrayed her in a way and doesn’t consider us friends. After a rough patch, I had thought things mended themselves, we spent more time together, texted, spoke like friends, she offered advice and support and shelter like a friend, yet, in front of a couple other people last night she accuses me of not being her freind and states her oppinion and refusal to believe other wise. I was shocked, it seemed very uncalled for. I am not one to state my opinions eloquently enough on the spot and she is not one to argue with (her words confuse me and I always end up feeling like I’m making no sense). Like last time, I respected that there was no way she was going to accept my point of view and chose not to argue but acknowledged out loud that we saw things different ways and I guess there’s no changing that. This was one thing that made me acknowledge my transformation – verbal communication of my beliefs, and my refusal to change my own mind. The second thing, that took it a little further was my realization that I dont deserve to deal with her close minded thinking any longer.  My accepting of her thought process and letting her live her truth is great but, I should not give her time and effort and my friendship anymore if she refused to open her mind and understand my thoguht process and give me the same respect. its time to move on, and focus on friends who treat me well and make me feel good about myself and help me grow in my text phase of transformation.

 

Belonging

 belong

                                       when something is for you
it will not run or hide or
avoid being yours.

– From Alexandra Elle’s Neon Soul

First of all, I would like to say that what this poem suggests, and statements along the lines of “what is meant for you will always find a way”, have helped me let go and accept a lot of situations in my life while adapting to adulthood. However, when I read this poem in a bookstore, on a day where I felt perfectly content with being alone I thought of three things that problematize my initial take on these kinds of statements.

The Three Things were: Belonging to Others, “The Right Time”, and How Time Changes Belonging.

 “but what if I belong to them?”

The past four years I have eased the pain of my unrequited love situations by reminding myself of the reality of the situation and what it may mean on a spiritual level. “He doesn’t belong to me” or like it is discussed in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You – “If they want to be with you, they will make it happen”. But, identifying these unrequited love situations or more generally, missed opportunities as a way of belonging to something or someone made me think – “but what if I belong to them?”.

It hurts when we miss out on an opportunity or relationship because we feel like we belong there. That that path is meant for us, in that moment we belong to them but they don’t belong to us.

My experience in this way if it wasn’t obvious already is in the form of a relationship. A dude came along that I felt connected to, I felt strangely loyal to him even though he gave me no reason to.  So I told myself, he must not belong to me, he must not be for me. But after 3 years of not shaking this feeling I began to think, But what If I’m for him? After diving deeper into my spirituality I figured that my feelings must be here for a reason, perhaps I’m here, feeling these feelings to teach him a lesson at the very least.This also branches off in what I have to say about not necessarily giving up on our dream opportunities and relationships. Maybe I belonged to him. I wasn’t hiding, I wasn’t avoiding being

This also branches off in what I have to say about not necessarily giving up on our dream opportunities and relationships. Maybe I belonged to him. I wasn’t hiding, I wasn’t avoiding being his, I believe I was there, I was “his” because there was a lesson, for me and him.

This poem got me thinking about some of the mysteries and cliches of the universe.
Within the past few years, I have come to rely on the idea that the universe provides for us and gives us all the abundance we seek. When being faced with disappointment, or our hopeful fantasies are turned sour I remind myself that “missed opportunities are things that really didn’t belong to me”,”what is meant for me will come to me”.  Yet also,

“What is meant for me will come to me in its own time

Just because an opportunity or experience passes by does not mean it will never return again. Sometimes these mantras of “What belongs to me won’t avoid being mine” makes us think negatively about that experience or person assuming the need to cut ties to that hope and never think about it again. The initial meaning is very strong and useful, we shouldn’t dwell on missed opportunities and continue on to become the best version of ourselves. Yet, we should keep in mind to welcome those old opportunities back will be and acceptance, not bitterness for their previous rejection. When an opportunity passes me by I like to think of there being a leash connecting me to that opportunity, I’m letting it wander for as long as it wants and it is always welcome back.  Thinking about lost opportunities or belongings in this way enforces a positive manifestation thought cycle that will allow it to come to you in an even better way.

However, if this idea of belonging is a love, it is important to remember that belonging may not be forever.  These things come and go to teach us lessons and help us grow. If a love runs or passes you by they may no longer belong to you but the lesson does. Embrace it, feel it and it will make you grow stronger for the next opportunity that comes to you. Belonging is not forever.

a lot of what I say is still problematic for me – do you really wanna dwell and not move on completely? and yes I see where things can be counter-intuitive. I ultimately am saying that we all need to find a balance with accepting and letting go of our opportunities. The ones that feel so right to you after time, and space – keep holding them with positive and loving thoughts in your mind eventually what is not meant for you will disappear from your mind… but what is meant to be may linger longer and it is important to not be sad about those thoughts but keep up with “one day maybe if it’s really right”.

Recognizing Evanescence

My family always had big parties.
All my family members and family friends would gather in our backyard at least once every Summer to celebrate everything all at once. Birthdays, Graduations, Trips, Retirements, New Jobs.
This summer, my family was celebrating a move.

evenacent

My Mom and Stepdad decided to make a big change and move across the country. they through a party, one of the most memorable they have had. these parties often end late and I usually end up in the front yard, saying goodbye to a guest, or good night to my mom who is fiddling around in the motor home in the driveway.

As I turned to go back inside this time, I realized it was the last time I would do this. And those memories of how many times I had walked up my driveway in the middle of the night, feeling strangely peaceful under the deep blue night sky came flooding back. I realized that this may be another moment that would fade quickly and may not even be remembered. So I snapped a pic. trying to immortalize the peace i felt and capture a good last memory of my last family home.

via Photo Challenge: Evanescent

Family matters,


This weekend I said good bye to my final childhood home as my mom made a big move across the country. To my surprise I was quite emotional or maybe just reflective I guess because so didn’t cry or anything, about saying good bye to my home town. 

This weekend included a part and family gatherings for mothers day where I realized just home much important family is or maybe I was reminded of what family was. While in my undergrad, everything was about my life in Ottawa, my college friends and my part time job. I forgot to be thankful and aware of how much support I have within my family and how many people are proud of me.  

Leaving Niagara this time I was saying good bye to the last house I lived in with my Family, where everycorner and cupord hokd memories. I said good bye to my blue wall in my room which I always thought was so cool and self defining, the window sill where i asked my joints when i smoked weed before bed in high school. Im also saying good bye to opportunities and visits i take for granted. This new chapter means visits will consitst of strictly family visits and actually connecting with family because I’ll be sleeping on their couch or insure of when I’ll see them next. I’m bad with that kind of intimacy, but this weekend made me willing.  

Bus stops 

Bus stops in Canada make me feel uneasy. 

They are filled with eager, impatient travelers trying to get where they are going faster. 

Or there are foreign travelers, with their backpacks and aura of adventure that I’m jealous of because I’m stuck here for now. 

People speak in different languages too. The old ladies speaking italian are annoying, they talk too much. It’s all too much. Hearing them speak just makes me want to be back in the terminal in Rome waiting for my bus to Paris. 

I guess I’m not truly annoyed I’m just sad. 

Because Canadian bus terminals are just like any other bus terminal in the world. I just wish I was in another one. 

Letting Go, for Now?

Accepting Loneliness and Knowing the Universe Has Got Your Back.

For a while now I have realized that I’m constantly in a rush. When I want something in my life I need it right away. Why? When did I start being like this? How is this affecting my life now?

Well long story short, the why is because being stagnant, no change or no significant other in my life makes me feel lonely. I have kind been like this forever. I remember when I was little needing every new sims expansion pack right away, which later changed to new Apple device and now, tea and makeup. What’s helped me realize my neediness, is how I felt when there was proof of declining contact with me and Mr. Manifest. the convos are short and boring and he doesn’t make an effort to contact me first or snap me when I know he’s just hanging out. And I realized that I had expected things to advance quickly I had wanted someone to love and care for and communicate with me regularly right away. Why did I expect (and want) life to move so fast?  – I have chalked this up to my fantasy life I envision for myself which would technically only be a few years away ( I have taken steps to stop dependence on this fantasy life – see my other page “Sarah’s Blog”).

So, upon this distance with Mr. Mani, a dude who I had harbored a lot of cosmic feelings for, left me quite disappointed. Technically it would shake my faith to realize that some guy I had thought I manifested is no longer meant for me. Earlier this year when I was discussing letting someone go, my psychic stopped me when I was speaking because I was describing cutting someone off, forgetting about them, severing ties. She corrected me and said that letting go shouldn’t be severing anything, but letting them fly and distance themselves away from you and accepting that. And with that, allowing them to come back. Keeping a cycle of love open.

So that’s what I intend to do with Mr. Manifest. It’s sad thinking that me letting him go might lead him to another girl or to end up completely forgetting me for a while. But also being optimistic that he could come back because everything that is yours comes to you at the right time.  And if this is the end end, I have learned so much about love and relationships and stuff ( i was a late bloomer on this one) and it’s so worth it.

– ❤ Theresa Belle

 

End of Undergrad.

Yesterday, was the last official day of my four years of my undergrad. The friends that I have had since the first year got together for one last small party and I helped clean up move out my friends who all lived in the same house. I kinda moved out too, the house was practically my second home in Ottawa, I had kept toiletries there and had found random things that were mine throughout the process. It felt weird because I am staying in Ottawa and some of these friends are never coming back, or will only ever visit. The conclusion was also strange because it made me reflect on how important these four years have been to my development, particularly with two of my close friendships and my relationship with The Dude.

I could write more about how the night went etc but In the end what’s important is that these past four years have built me into who I am now. and now that there is a significant change in my life; no focus on school, friends leaving (no dude to pine after every few weekends), and soon moving houses myself, has all made me realize that now I am able to work on myself and do things I love. in a mire present way too, I mean having changed so much within the past four years but still being under this umbrella of “undergrad life” has made some mindsets and habits stick around and now that it’s over and can fully let those go and welcome in new mindsets and patterns that I have been trying to implement for so long.

I am so excited for this next era of my life and am so grateful for everything I have learned and experience through the people I have met, and the classes I have taken. I am ultimately left with a great sense of direction in where I want to go and who I want to be in life. and am very optimistic bout my future

all the love to my undergrad selves and friends ❤ ❤   -t

Winter to Spring Transit.

The period from February to  April was one of the first times I was truly aware of a period of transition and transformation. Or Aware of the effects of winter on my mental state. I felt tension and tribulation as my expectations and thoughts were piling up. It seemed like I was living a life that wasn’t quite mine, I was stuck in a period of waiting, anxiety and doing things un-organically, things that I was supposed to do but not quite doing them with any passion or desire.

I was finishing up several assignments and presentations, trying to go above and beyond and frustrated when I didn’t have the motivation (or time) do extra work. I found it difficult to get out of bed, even when I planned to wake up early I just went back to sleep knowing I wouldn’t get up till 3 hours later.

I was also trying to make sure I stayed fit. I started doing a 30-day yoga challenge (which I repeated half way through) Which made me extremely aware of my body, in good ways and bad. In a way I think working out ever day made me more self-conscious, knowing I had to workout that day to stick with the challenge changed my mentality a bit to more critical of myself.  I also was stressed about getting my finances in check and having to ask my parents for money. All the while anticipating the first-weekend visit from the guy I’m seeing (who I have narrowed down his blog name to Harry Styles or Mr. Manifest).  I basically had seven things on my mind at any given time, and Harry Style’s visit was always underlying everything.

I also was stressed about getting my finances in check and having to ask my parents for money.  Once I finally asked for financial help from my mom I felt so relieved, things still aren’t perfect but at least she knows now.

All the while anticipating the first-weekend visit from the guy I’m seeing (who I have narrowed down his blog name to Harry Styles or Mr. Manifest).  I basically had seven things on my mind at any given time, and Harry Style’s visit was always underlying everything.

There was also a lot of “Big Picture” changes during these months. I mean, I lost my virginity the end of January, that didn’t change too too much in the way I thought and I just went about life. But the end of undergrad began to approach and I realized how much little time I have in this house, with certain friends, living this certain way. My mom also sold our house back home and is moving to Nova Scotia, so I’m officially untethered and on my own in Ottawa. Which kinda stuck with me more than I thought but after some reflection, I realized how those massive changes coming along the same 2 months have ultimately changed my perception of the future and maybe made my mind a little sad and bogged down the past two months.

When I began this post I thought I was going to talk about how this period of sadness and overloading of responsibilities and thoughts had come to an end but the more I write the more I realize it hasnt, I am just more prepared and mindful of what is actually going on.
I was going to say that the culmination of this period of stress sadness and thought-overload finally came to an end last week with the finalization of all my assignments, and the visit of Mr. Manifest. And this is true – I felt a lot less stressed but I still had a lot of responsibilities to face and the reality of attempting a relationship that isn’t totally confirmed yet. Now that I’m aware of all the anxiety I had about Mr manifest before he came Now, I make sure not to over think, and I make sure to remind myself of the trueness of the situation.

As for other responsibilities, I still have exams to finish, people to please ( having family members visiting me on three sperate occasions in the next month), jobs to apply for and personal goals to maintain (blogging, writing, reading etc). But this new energy april/spring has brought me is a playfulness with all my responsibilities. I look forward to conquering multiple tasks a day, I feel like I have more time, it’s easier to get out of bed right away.

 

Sometimes I literally can’t believe that I have been talking to this dude for two months and that he is my best friend on snap chat and that he probably thinks about me often.

This is so surprising because I’m so used to just pining after boys who I think are cute but don’t actually talk to. it is also amazing because this is exactly what I wanted from the day I met him 2 years ago so its great that this is actually happing, 19 year old me is so proud.

Astrological New Year

equinox-josephine_wallbreath_of_gaia

March 20th marked the official start of spring and the beinging of the astrological new year. I think its safe to say that this marks a completely eyar where i was attentive to how the positioning of the planets have been affecting my life and every month I find my self mroe and mroe aware of the moon and its effect on me.  I found the need to celebrate this anniversary of my connection with the universe as well as to appreciate Gaia and all that this planet offers me.

This Year. . .

before the 20th I was feeling mad stress, I had two presentations due monday and had to visit freinds for the weekend, keep up with a boy, and prepare for the heavy workload in the weeks to come. my negativity was bringing me down. Just when i htought things weer looking up when i carved time out of my day to get work done atthe library while I was out of town, my laptop crashed. Taking all my research ntoes and presentation prep with it, I was ledt to complete two presentations from memory and lost all my research ntoes for 3 up coming asignments. After I arrived back home and got settled after this ‘disaster’ I realized that this was actually one of the best things that could happen.

I had spent so much time beign nervouse about presentign well and having enought information prepared, now I was in a situation where I could only do my best with what i had.  In a way my computer crashing had been a perfect way to hit the restart button for this astrological new year.

Additional to the clean sweep of my school work clutter, i tidied up my room and rearranged a few things, unconsciously doing things that fit with the new energy and fresh start being welcomed in by the planets.

After my presentations were complete ( received well by my professors) my other stresses seem much mroe managable, and this spring itme energy is making me feel capable and focused while also making me feel more playful about the way I look at the next threee weeks of my undergrad.

 

Flash Back…

I specifically remeber last year around this time because i instagramed a picture of my self when the moon was in pisces, sayign it made me feel focused ( looking back now i was rather depressed but i think i wrote about that in another post). I had also just accepted the fact that i was going to be in Europe for the majority of the summer and was anxious to get things going, i had to pack and finsih up my courses assignments and exams. This was a beignign of a period that has bascially lasted until now or at least 2017, where i rushed through everything. like i hit a fstforward button becasue i wanted to get to the good part (which i thought was europe but looking back i see how i was in fast forward then too). My goal for this year is to definetly slow things down. Appreciate simple things, live in the moment, breathe, be playful with my time and how I spend it and approach things.

 

Part of this also is to constantly write my thoughts. Of course for school i write weekely responses and that helps me practice but blogging and writign my thoughts about this kind of stuff down helps this “astrolgoical, introspective, intune” part of me become more part of my outer world. not just the world inside my head.